Houdini’s Magic Movie Ticket

This week I saw a themed blog post concept on Jessica’s blog, The Velvet Cafe, and I have decided to steal it. Of course, she stole the idea from Top 10 Films, and Alex over at Benefits of a Classical Eduction stole their idea as well. We’re all stealing from Top 10 Films, and they sort of stole the idea from the movie Last Action Hero. I’m betting that movie stole its idea from somewhere else, but that’s neither here nor there.

The real question is, what is Houdini’s Magic Ticket. Well, Top 10 Films informs me that in Last Action Hero, a character is given a magic movie ticket that allows him to transport himself into the his favourite movie. The blogging idea is simple: if you had a magic movie ticket, what movies would you want to go into? Daniel Stephens, who wrote the original Top 10 Films post, came up with a few categories, and I’m going to stick to those.

So join me as I venture into the crazy world of the films I would love to be a part of!

What character would I most like to sit next to on a plane?

When I’m on a plane, I don’t want to talk to other people or interact with anybody or anything like that. I want to sip a cup of wine and relax while watching a movie. But you know what would be better than watching a movie? Sitting next to Jules from Pulp Fiction. That guy is a conversational artist, and what’s more, I could totally find out how his whole “walk the Earth” plan is going.

What character would I most want to enjoy a passionate romance with?

I suppose I could go for the obvious and choose one of Grace Kelly’s characters, or Ingrid Bergman or some such person. Or I could go for Natalie Portman in Closer (you know, because I’m a masochist) or Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But screw all that. The woman I want? Paulette Goddard in Modern Times. She is beautiful, and spunky, and loving. She’s got a great sense of humour. And yeah, she’s probably a lot of fun in some other, more lurid areas.

If I were a cop, who would I want as my partner?

So many great cops in so many movies. I have to pick just one. Alright. Sgt. Nicholas Angel from Hot Fuzz. That guy is AWESOME. He’s highly trained. He’s been stabbed. By the end of his journey in the film he’s shot two guns whilst jumping through the air, he’s kicked grandmothers in the face, he’s ridden a horse. He’s even watched the only crucial scene in Bad Boys 2!

What animated feature would I love to walk around in?

A lot of good choices here because there are so many beautiful animated films. My immediate impulse was to go with Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, but Alex is a jerk and already took that idea, so I’ll let him have his wonderful Jell-O palace. Instead, I’ll go with Richard Williams’ unfinished The Thief and the Cobbler, which you can find online in a fan-created Re-cobbled Cut. The amazing animation, and incredible design work would be amazing to walk through. The geometric impossibilities and optical illusions present in the design would also make it a really fun world to easily get lost in.

What Earth-based adventure would I most like to go on?

Is there any option besides Raiders of the Lost Ark? Seriously now, there’s no better option. Chillin’ with Indiana Jones, hangin’ out with Sallah, staring longingly at Marion Ravenwood? There’s a monkey, I’d get to punch Nazis, fight snakes, run away from a giant boulder, miraculously hang on to a submarine and hold my breath as it travels under water. Guys, it’s the best adventure ever!

What otherworldly, fantasy-based adventure would I most like to go on?

I would totally have loved to accompany Robin Williams as Peter Pan on his adventure in Neverland in Steven Spielberg’s Hook. I know there are people who claim the world design of that film is not very good, that it feels way too much like a poorly disguised soundstage. I say to those people, “fuck off, Hook is the shit!” Of course it look’s like a soundstage! It’s that kind of movie. It takes after all those great old soundstage swashbucklers and other classics like The Wizard of Oz. It’s a purely artificial world, one built with pure imagination but using tactile sets. It’s grand and exciting and scary. There are sword fights. There’s Dustin Hoffman. BANGARANG! RUFIO! Food fights. Good times would be had by all. (Well, except for Rufio. Poor Rufio.)

What movie gadget would I love to try out (or steal)?

There’s an obvious choice here: the DeLorean from Back to the Future. I’m not going to choose that though. If those movies have taught me anything it’s that messing with time travel invariably fucks everything up, and often leads very nearly to incestuous relations with ignorant family members. Nope, not for me. Instead, I’ll go for the Sonic Screwdriver from Doctor Who. Yes, I know that Doctor Who is a TV series. Whatever. I don’t care. I want that thing. It can open doors, but it can also do so much more. Seriously. It’s powers seem endless. Also, if you could throw in a bow tie and a fez, I’d appreciate it, thanks.

What film’s plot would I alter and how would I do it?

Look, I know it’s based on a true story, and I know that it adds a weight and complexity to the story, but the ending of The Great Escape is the biggest bummer ending of all time. After watching these guys dig a tunnel for two hours, we really just want to see most of them escape. It’s the catharsis we deserve. Unfortunately, things don’t work out that way. Few of the POWs manage to escape, and almost all the ones that do are caught and then illegally executed. Sure, Steve McQueen survives and is returned to the camp in good health, but man, it’s still a bummer. So here’s what I’d do. I’d infiltrate the Luftwaffe and become a guard at the camp. Then I’d secretly divert attention from everything the POWs do, which would make it easier for them to complete their massive escape. Also, if I could I’d get the Doctor to bring along the TARDIS, fit all the escaped men in, and transport them back to their respective countries to help fight the Cybermen or something.

What film would I most like to be transported into, simply to be a part of the world?

I mean, have you seen Harry Potter? Really? Seriously? Can there even be a question about this? And you can go right ahead and put me in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. That one is the prettiest looking of the series, and it’s got all the horny girls, you know, because that’s awesome.